He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
