There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
