I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Two words: nipple clamps
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