im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
