do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I didn't notice because vodka
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
