you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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