chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Couch. On fire.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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