I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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