I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
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Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
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I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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