Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
