I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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