I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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