your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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