My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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