a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
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