new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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