I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Even my vagina gasped.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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