Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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