If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
