somebody snuck up and got me drunk
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
