Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
