The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
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And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
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Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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