Are we in a gay sports bar?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
