i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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