Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
