My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
