He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
