I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
