Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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