If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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