she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Dear god my vagina.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
