My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Your shirt... Was in my pants
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
