Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
