I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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