I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
