you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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