just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
