remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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