You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
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