3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
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