Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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