I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
