May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm like, not good at living.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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