you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
