I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
