You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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