After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
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I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
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I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
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