Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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