The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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