yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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