you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
