I CAN MOONWALK!
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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