ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
