Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
