Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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