Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
