My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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