My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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