I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
