Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
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